A blog’s probably most often used (if properly) to discuss and write/share opinions/thoughts that we perceive would be able to connect with people of a similar level/mindset. And I’ve always tried to write it in such a way that I see my opinions to be right because I’d never write something that goes strongly against people – I mean, who would? In a world of judgements.
But I think I’ll try to write and be truthful to myself. Doubtful, I don’t think I can be truthful to myself through any platform but within the walls of my mind.
I feel nothing about yesterday right now. If there’s anything about yesterday it would probably be the short time I’ve spent with Carisse and Sarah, and probably the chat with Leonard. But I wouldn’t say that the chat was anything much because my going to the BBQ was just an opportunity to make right something between me and a good person, and I didn’t really know why I did what I did and said what I said to him. The extent that I went to (yeah you’d describe it as girly), I’m not quite sure why I did it. I just know I did.
It wasn’t entirely a waste of time thanks to Carisse and Sarah coming so it was alright.
I realized though that I feel as though I want to be with no one at all. This detached feeling, knowing you’re not really attached to anyone because you can choose not to be. This might be the aftermath of what’s happened maybe, but right now I just feel alone. Just alone. And on it’s own I must say it feels sucky as shit. I don’t say things to anyone, I don’t share critical opinions, or even just thoughts. I share nothing.
I’m thinking about my night conversations with Sarah and sometimes Carisse and I realized that I don’t participate in anything much anymore. I don’t talk about current affairs or music or art anymore. Neither do I talk about the things I like or find interesting. It’s like i’ve become completely boring.
Perhaps I’m consumed by the fact that people judge and misjudge that I draw lines when I communicate not only about personal things, but general interests and opinions too. I don’t know.