Pre-field camp blues

This thought has been dying to get out of my head so I thought I might as well let it out.

Somehow this tremendous amount of silence and separated paths haven’t quite changed anything for me. From the occasional Facebook and MSN updates, it may seem that nothing much has changed with her but I don’t know that for certain. I would still find myself thinking about her very frequently. And she still feels close even though things aren’t at all that way. Sometimes, in an effort to figure things out, I’d wonder if I’m just so attached to how much I’ve grown from it, or how much I’ve witnessed and grown from her. Is it her, or is it the events? But maybe they’re just both together.

It’s quite a love/hate thing for me. There are moments where I’d feel terribly lonely, and moments where I’d feel intimately merry, but there are also moments where I’d feel annoyed and wished that she would stop behaving in certain ways. But they are not my rights, nor is it my voice to say anything. So I don’t know. I’m just hanging around.

In arduous times, it is normal that people sought happiness, escape, satisfaction, solution, etc. And they may occasionally also seek refuge in memories – perhaps a family gathering, a smiling and happy mother, or any sort of personal achievements. I find it in a few things – the capacity for potential and development as a result of a powerful self-love, returning goodness to the world, to see my family happy and mentally and spiritually grown, but most often 3 main things – generally, Ying Xin, Sarah, and happiness.

To a certain degree I am still quite bothered that I don’t have a best friend and good ones just won’t do. But the fact that I’ve been blessed by much of life’s miracles through the presence of such friends, family and event is quite enough to keep me on my feet.

Honestly I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and no one can quite judge that but me. I just know it. I can’t figure out specifically yet but i am getting closer. It’s just something you can’t label, you know; emotions.

They’re just there. You can’t define them in their entirety.

Last post for a while.

P.S. Today he asked me for my number. 😀



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