Man I am so old.
I must admit that this blog has given me much thrill to a great extend – to see inflations in the number of visits and to see that posts are being read – and it’s been quite a remarkable form of satisfaction.
20 has been the most meaningful, memorable and life changing year so far. I cannot begin to imagine or recall how amazing it has been, much less describe. I am grateful – very, very grateful – for everything that I’ve faced in this one year.
This has been a year in which I have invested heavily. I’ve risked much, lost much, but also gained and learned much more.
I think now, if you ask me how I am, I should be able to answer you.
Imagine a moment of overwhelming satisfaction, like when you could just hop around and grin and dance and not care about anything. That immense amount of joy when you figure something out or when your exams are over or when you eat something amazingly good or when you get excellent results – that sort of feeling. Now, imagine feeling that same feeling 3-5 times a day. I’ve felt that at least 3 times today, and I grinned a lot – really a lot I wouldn’t be surprised if you think I was crazy. Of course I concealed it; I was at Starbucks. In this single year, I’ve encountered those moments more than 5 times the amount I have over the past 19 years. And this feeling is subjective, always, to your current state of being.
I have dedicated this few months or year in the pursuit of meaning. Meaning to life, meaning to hardship, meaning to struggles, and meaning to being human. Why do I love? Why do I hurt? Why do I want? Why everything. And if you know me then you would know the depth of which I think. I am in Stage Four of that spiritual growth, and while I am quite proud of it, I am more thankful and grateful to my parents and friends and events and life and sperm for allowing me to see grace with my eyes, love with my heart, and meaning with my mind. Through all these, I encountered much more – mysteries after mysteries after mysteries – all in the name of growth. Now I have come to the point where I’ve decided to close it. I will not write about spirituality or love or religion or anything of that sort anymore, and me being me that would mean that I’d hardly blog at all. But of course there is no limit to growth because it is everchanging and we can never know enough.
20 has given me the structure to live – the purpose, inspiration and meaning – and it is about time I stopped focusing too much of my energy in this and instead start living, to start building a life. And I shall do just that.
This is a beautiful world, and we all have a beautiful life.
Today I had a conversation with my dad – possibly the only one where I was most heavily equipped. While I hate to admit this, again, I was horribly offended and insulted and I found my intelligence being threatened. But this was a great lesson, quite the ending I needed.