Conviction

This is a personal post to all my friends who have appreciated what I am. Firstly I’d like to apologize because it may seem that I am unwilling to open myself and I am, and that it’s not really easy becoming my friend. Truthfully, I have never made an effort to extend myself for anyone except a particular friend.

Humility is a true knowledge of oneself as one is. This is a paraphrase from a book written by an anonymous fourteenth-century monk, called Cloud of Unknowing. It is a profound statement, and an essential one to grasp on the search for self-knowledge.

So for instance, were I to say that I am adequately average, that actually would not be humility. While not the greatest, the truth of the matter is that as people go, I am a particularly unique individual. In a way, genuine humility is always realistic.

It is critical for us to be realistic of what we are because it is the first step towards growth in any direction. And it seems to go, I have gift. But what is a gift, if it’s not meant to be shared?

Up to this stage of my growth, I still feel extremely alone. To be 21 years old with a mind beyond my age, as it seems, trying to find others who wants to build their soul when everyone else around me is selling theirs, is difficult. I have met many interesting individuals, but it’s been troubling that I cannot find like-minded people. Yet, even with all this, I still have no value. I have nothing to my name. I am just part of nature, equally insignificant.

I have achieved much: to see myself build me when I was just, lesser. To feel and know love, and to be able to create it. To understand the fabrics that weaved this world, and to know how to untap and make use of your minds to do extraordinary things. To know what it is like to live, truly, with a heart, a mind, and a soul. To be able to see beauty everywhere when all everyone sees is the weight of the lives they’re not living.

How do you think it would feel like, to see an action of another individual and be able to imagine, comprehend, empathize, deduce and compare every single possibility that may lead to that one action, and not have your emotions swayed, your beliefs violated, and your mind threatened? To know that it is what it is, and it requires no attention, no action, but simply a thought. And to not say anything simply because nothing needs to be said, except to look into their eyes, with yours, and in them they will see acceptance. Quite incredible, for me.

And this is hard for me, because the world connects not through words, but a force greater than that. So how do I speak? What can I say? I cannot express my opinion. It just is..

I am a destitute of understanding in all of this. It’s just so hard sometimes to see people so happy with what they have, to be able to achieve what they want, and here I am.. just struggling to find a way because I had to be aware. I sometimes wonder if this state of mind is a gift to make me pursue more, or a curse to leave me hanging from my own failures.

I guess this is why I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing.

This is why we have art. The best works of art are the expression of man’s struggle to free himself from our low state of life, but the effect of our art is merely to make this condition comfortable and that higher state to be expressed and simply forgotten. While civilisation has been improving our houses, it has not equally improved the men who are to inhabit them.

‘And when the farmer has got his house, he may not be the richer but the poorer for it, and it be the house that has got him.’ – Walden.

We say that we want to be like great men; we want their minds and their lives and so we seek what they seek, eat what they ate, and read what they read. But are you not simply becoming a shadow of a great man? To be a great man, you must first be the worst man and be fine with that.

People tell me that philosophy is useless, and occasionally, a growing opinion that philosophers do nothing but think.

But ignorance is bliss, and some day, envy will become ignorance because philosophy is not useless; it is priceless. It is not a subject that a lecturer or a scientist can teach. They can only expose minds; sort of to give a new light so that you may create your own path. What rights do they have to grade you for this? Philosophy is the very core of human evolution. But people do not like this, because maturing and thinking is painful. So we avoid it.

Once, I actually thought that I could make people see this and share this powerful understanding of the entire universe in it’s simplest, most original form. But it seems, philosophy is useless in this world. There is no value because people do not want to see value. So how do I tell them that, to find the way to having the most value in this world, you must first seek something that has no value? It is completely illogical, isn’t it? You cannot want something you don’t know you want, and even then, how certain can you be that you’d even want it at all?

As the story goes, we became conscious when we ate the apple from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Gardens of Eden. And as we became conscious, we grew to become self-conscious – we were suddenly shy and modest. And with this, we grew to learn and see ourselves as separate entities. We lose our sense of oneness with nature, and this universe. I think this became our banishment from Paradise.

So we become what we see in this world. Humanity is a sad script in a beautiful world.

This is probably my last post. I have decided (and I hope I commit to it) not to publicize pieces if I do write again. Value is in the eyes of the seeker. But then again, I guess we are ignorant for good cause. Chaos is what will happen when everyone tries to understand life.

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