The damned subconscious

I’ve been trying to sleep for the past 10 minutes, but now I’m wide awake, committed to lulling my brain before I can sleep. I probably had about 400 worth of words that I could fit into this blog post, but the number has substantially grown as things continue to fill my head.

Firstly, what’s happened in the past 20 minutes is that while I’ve attempted to sleep, my mind has been flooded with a consistent chain of thoughts that adds up so extraordinarily that I’ve the urge to write it all down. It’s probably good to pay attention to these thoughts that go on in your head, but today, particularly, I think I might have figured out how to evaluate how well your day went.

We’re all aware that the brain simultaneously thinks consciously and subconsciously. Yet, at any time of the day we really only have access to the conscious thoughts, with random thoughts coming into our heads when we’re lulling or fully relaxed – a sort of serendipity, we can say. Apparently what goes on is that your subconscious mind works as much as your conscious mind – throughout the day, collecting information and thinking, thinking, thinking. Random thoughts come into your head when you’re about to sleep, or when you’re fully relaxed or listening to really calm, awesome classical music because your subconscious mind has gained enough strength that you’re forced to pay attention to them. The result of low conscious brain activity shuts your mind from consciously and actively thinking, thus making you more prone to observing anything else that goes on in your head – in this case the subconscious thoughts.


Just 10 minutes ago I could fully visualize my day in the Starbucks cafe, sitting with the girl I couldn’t get to talk to because I was caught in conversation. She was reading ‘Love Does’, a book my Bob Goff on how to live an extraordinary life in an ordinary world, with values and virtues greatly associated to the Bible. I imagined myself talking to her, and talking about the book, and asking her why she was reading the book. Such books are books of answers, often read by seekers, and I guess there is something sexily attractive about seekers of knowledge and wealth. I also liked her voice and her eyes.

Anyway, the conversation went along, and I found myself thinking about what is it that I’m truly studying. The answer I had for myself was – anything I’m interested in, which eventually became a really odd answer because no one has the privilege of studying ‘anything’ in university. It soon came to the education system – what it’s like, and how it has stifled us. I thought of how we were all born scientists (recalling a video I saw) and how the education system beats it out of us. It beats it well out of us by destroying the basic flow of how our brains operate and forcing us to learn by the books. No school or teacher has the time to wait for your thought pattern to develop.

How can it not be of any interest to anyone to learn how the world operates? Or learn the particles that we’re surrounded by, and how all these things exist and operate?

We don’t have time to deconstruct subjects into basic, fundamental foundation for easy understanding. Instead we’re made to memorize names and theories and mechanisms that are dysfunctional in its purpose as knowledge that were meant to enrich.


My thoughts eventually led on to how I learned trading in general, how the best way to learn anything is to deconstruct it entirely, how people continue to try to learn how to cook by reading recipes instead of holding on to the pan and just cook.

We’re trapped in an insatiable desire to achieve precision that we forget how we learn, and eventually not being able to achieve precision. We read books and theories and facts and we try to fit our experiences into these damned theories. Where is the instinct? Where is the intelligence?

The thoughts eventually then led back to the conversation, now in a conversation with a friend on how we should grow.

I guess no advice is ever good, for it pollutes you to be bias towards something when infected. We learn by experiencing pain, and no one really wants to experience pain. We spend our treasured years working towards a goal, a career thinking that we will be satisfied, only to realize later that we’re nowhere closer to satisfaction as we were when we started.

And if we weighed the economics of our investment, we’d probably see that we’ve spent 20 years committing to a future we painted with roses only to find that it’s all only been in our head. Most of us live with 2 identities – the current and the future. We always think that tomorrow we will be more complete, that today we’re not enough, that we don’t deserve to celebrate as much as we should, and so we don’t allow ourselves to fully embrace what we have now. Simply because we think we’re not entitled to anything unless we first work diligently under the very system that’s created to stifle individuality. And perhaps we’d realize some day that we could’ve clocked more mileage in the 20 years of our lives if we had lived without fear instead of having this one satisfaction that no longer seems to satisfy.


Which, eventually led to the thoughts about embracing pain. The very reason why people are different is because we all protect and hold on to different things. We hold on to our belief structures because it protects us.

We don’t know what we don’t know, and so no one will ever figure out how ignorant they are until they’ve lost. And to lose is to experience fear and pain. And we are willing to experience fear and pain because we don’t realize that they don’t really exist anymore when we’re used to it.

Are we prepared to experience pain right now, or will we deal with pain when pain comes tomorrow?


And finally, the measure of how much we’ve accomplished can not be measured by thoughts or conscious judgement simply because the very tools we use to judge and measure are corrupt and subjective in it’s nature. It can easily be tainted by bad conditioning. So it might seem that it is essential to stay true to instincts and let it be the judge of things because you can hardly explain an instinct or a good feel.

Emerson’s “Experience” has my brain wrapped around these few thoughts represented in the following phrases:

“We do not know today whether we are busy or idle. In times when we thought ourselves indolent, we have afterwards discovered, that much was accomplished, and much was begun in us. All our days are so unprofitable while they pass, that ’tis wonderful where or when we ever got anything of this which we call wisdom, poetry, virtue. We never got it on any dated calendar day. Some heavenly days must have been intercalated somewhere, like those that Hermes won with dice of the Moon, that Osiris might be born…. Every ship is a romantic object, except that we sail in. Embark, and the romance quits our vessel, and hangs on every other sail in the horizon (but ours).”

“The only thing that grief has taught me, is to know how shallow it is.”


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