Tonight, I am beside myself.

This will be quite an unpleasant entry, and so if you will have me, I will try to be brutally honest.

There is a certain shame or desire that I’ve not caught up with. I’ve not been neck and neck with my own thoughts and intentions of late, and I begin to wonder if there is something rooted deep that I should begin to unearth. I am not quite sure if I’ve ever been completely honest with myself at all lately, which is probably the reason for my inability to trust myself with my own intentions. There are days when we stumble, break things, fail. In those days I could tell myself I have lived slightly, that I’m growing. But those days have been fading, and right now it seems that most of my actions have been desperate attempts at self-preservation. There is something that I’m trying to preserve or protect and I can’t figure out what it is. Deception becomes necessary when we speak of self-preservation.

2 years ago I was consumed (probably still am) with an idea of being self-reliant that I built an ego so strong it helped me hold myself together as I tackled and questioned most of my perspectives and problems. The very desire that drove me through all of this is still carved in some little corner in my mind. But it might seem as if this drive is starting to become superfluous, and a certain cancer or desperation is starting to grow.

And so if I must be honest about something today (if it helps me sleep tonight), it is that I am very fascinated with the idea of deception. I am very dependent on it, and it scares me each day because I know there will be a point in time where I would be far beyond help. But today, right now – this is something else. I am feeling a certain amount of vulnerability, and for once, I am beside myself. And I am afraid.

See, deception is useful because it can get you what you want, or at least send you in the right direction. It is not as simple as just lying. Lying is part of a deception, but a deception is much larger than lying (they are essentially the same thing, but not exactly). When you deceive, yourself or others, you mislead yourself into a false appearance. To quote A. L Kennedy, Deception becomes unforgivable if it is incomplete. Leave any access for doubt, for exposure, bad revelations, and then you’re much more than failing – you’re committing a type of delayed assault. Be utter and undetected and then no forgiveness will ever be required.

If you believe yourself to be something else (essentially delusional; deception) you will live all possibilities of that self to the best of your abilities. The failure in this deception is if you allow yourself to doubt your own capacity, or if the lie or fantasy is followed by inaction (a.k.a wishes, wishful thinking), and the only person you end up harming is yourself and your relationships with the people you deceive. Most deceptions are essentially created from a fantasy or an idea, and we embody that fantasy by materialising our deception. Frankly, this is how I’ve been building myself, my perspectives and myself. I lie and I live the lie and it becomes material.

I need to admit to myself today that the desire is weakening, to an extent that lies might eventually be empty, self-destructive lies, the type of deception that is harmful.

When you lie, you live alone. You live within the boundaries of your own world and imagination, and you’re the only person that believes in it*. It is for this reason that we, or rather, I, keep things to myself – so that they remain incorruptible by the influence and opinions of others. Live by the things you do, not by the things you think. And trust essentially comes from not knowing, or by knowing everything, which is why I think that if I continue to keep everything to myself, I will break some day.

Anyway, I am suffering, and stuck between the idea of a particular deception, and the reality of my life and its principles. I also just realised that this has all been a deception of it’s own – instead of tackling the real thing that’s bothering me, I diverted my energy towards another growing concern of mine, and I even believed this was what’s bothering me.

Nonetheless, I hope this entertained someone.

I need coffee and a bit of space somewhere tomorrow.

*To mention some, I believe this was an underlying idea behind Kennedy’s Blue Book, behind the idea of Gatsby, behind the philosophy of Lord Henry, behind the war of 1984, and partly the nature of Emerson’s Self Reliance. 

For those of you who read this, if any, please note that I hold no commitment to my words. These thoughts are in me, but not of me.

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