Better to wither on the internet than in my mind

I read the other day some verses written by an internet human which I found to be fairly entertaining – that motivation is both fleeting and unreliable and that discipline is unyielding. I suppose there is nothing unconventional about such statements, rather, I think what charmed me at that point of reading was the realization of the relevance it had to my life.

We have all experienced the serendipity of new perspectives arriving when we least expect it, especially so in words we have read one too many times. The joy in such revelations lies not in the way it is said or delivered but in the sentiment that it captures; the sentiment instilled may sometimes be of more value than the thought it may contain.

I came neck in neck with myself earlier today when I realised I still lacked the discipline, or rather the aptitude for discipline. I was in school and was, for a good deal of time, focused on studying, my drive to study coming from the need to succeed and self-discipline – or so I thought, until I ran into Alda, which was a nice surprise considering I haven’t seen her for over a week. It was a fleeting moment of joy – I was, for one, happy to see her, and two, contented as I thought I was past the desire to know her but it was moments after when I found my discipline slowly shrivelling to death. That was when I realised I haven’t made much progress in my discipline to control myself (from my attraction to beauty in the world) which led me to the most natural thing to do then, write it out.

I held in my mind the idea that even though I would never have the chance to get to know her, it was sufficient to know that she was nearby and that she was well. I started asking myself why it was so important that I knew her, and why I could not wrap my mind around the fact that she was probably not interested. These are hard questions to ask, considering that our minds are typically divided and that you don’t necessarily always get what you’re looking for; the distrust in our sentiment because our arithmetic has computed our means and strengths opposed to our purpose. Yet, our inmost in due time becomes our outmost – our latent thoughts will express itself despite our efforts to conceal it, and so if we cannot at once rise beyond ourselves to resist temptation, let us at least rid of it in the most harmless way. And so here I am pouring myself out.. at 3am.

Discontentment is the need for self-reliance; it represents an infirmity of the will. With that said, it is unbecoming to find myself in this state of discontent. It is with much deliberation that I am able to conclude that my attraction to Alda is sentimental in nature. I hold this to be true because I haven’t felt this way since 2013, back when I met my current partner, Nisha, for the first time, and before that, with Yiling, and they are two of the most important people in my life. I suppose you can say that I am sensitive to people who share the same sentiments I hold true to my heart, and perhaps it is such sentiments that draw me to her.

And so for all that has been said, I think I ought to give it a night’s rest for the dust to settle. To quote Emerson, if I remember correctly, nothing can bring you peace but yourself.







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